School carpool.
The mere mention of the words elicit various, sometimes visceral, reactions from different people. Love it, enudure it or loathe it, whether you dropoff, pickup or both, few things in our daily routine are as polarizing as carpool. For some, it conjures images of a chance to have a few minutes to catch up with other parents. Others imagine a quiet spot to do some work – the calm before the storm at home. To me, as a dad with fairly strong ideas about efficiency and promptness, the carpool process ranks somewhere between going to the DMV and renewing your passport.
Don’t get me wrong – I love seeing my kids as they run into or get out of class, it’s one of the highlights of my day. Nevertheless, every day, especially picking up in the afternoon, something triggers my flight response and I can’t wait to get back home to a nice cold drink.
In honor of National School Carpool Day (I don’t think there is one, but there should be), following are my Top 5 School Carpool Don’ts. This list is clearly not exhaustive, so please feel free to comment with your own Carpool Don’t (or Carpool Do, if you want to put a positive spin on it).
Don’t park your Suburban, Escalade or Yukon in a “Compact” spot.
Nothing sets off drivers of normal sized cars quite like having to try to crane your neck around the iceberg-sized behemoth next to, or in front of, you. And you just know the person driving that massive thing only has one kid.
Don’t stretch a quick “Hello” to the driver next to you into cocktail hour.
You know what I’m talking about. There are always a couple parents having a fireside chat, meanwhile everyone else chokes on exhaust waiting for them to finish. Schools should put kids in detention for every minute their parent delays the pick-up.
Furthermore, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, strike up a conversation about your weekends with the teacher or parent volunteer who is letting your kids in and out of your car. Get in, get out. ‘Nuf said.
Don’t make drop-off an epic goodbye scene.
We all hate leaving our kids and we miss them throughout the day. On the other hand, we’ve all got places to be – like, work. Instead, say your good-byes in the car as you approach drop-off, get them out and move along. After all, this isn’t “E.T.” and you’re not bidding Elliot farewell to travel back to your home planet.
Don’t turn carpool into fashion week.
Straight to or from work and wearing business attire? Fine. Stay-at-home parent and wearing $800 tennis shoes or your Mr. T starter set (Google it)? Don’t be that person. As a parent, I exercise my right to embarrass my kids whenever I can. That includes trying to look as close to “just woke up” as possible at drop off. Bedhead? Check! Unshaven? Check! Slippers on? Check! I might dress up for afternoon pick-up… Socks and Sandals? Check! Sure, I sometimes don’t really try to look my best, but do me a favor and don’t make me look like I’m not trying.
Don’t drive outside the traffic cones or cut around cars in front of you.
Just don’t. No matter how much you may want to, especially if you’re stuck behind the fireside chatter (see #2) or tear-jerk goodbye-er (#3). Don’t be tempted to drive around them. Nothing slows down carpool (and frankly, is totally unsafe), and increases the blood-pressure, like someone going around others into oncoming traffic. No matter how good it might feel, and man, I bet it feels good. Still… be better than that.
I’m sure I left some great “Don’ts” off this list. Give me your thoughts, and I’m sure there will be plenty, and maybe I’ll issue a Carpool Don’ts Vol. 2.
As an added bonus, here are some of the best carpool movie clips of all time. We’ve all been here (except for maybe the Ferris Beuller clip):
The “Classic”: from “Mr. Mom”
The “Hot Rod”/”I Can’t Stand it Anymore”: from “Daddy’s Home”
The “What Just Happened”: “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off”
Ok, this is not a carpool pickup technically, but still a great “parent” pickup!.
