For the last 6 years, my son has been playing year-round basketball and football, and I have had a lot of fun watching him and cheering from the sidelines.
However, there have often been times where I have questions. Why isn’t he playing? Why isn’t he playing more? He’s better than these other kids, he should be out there all the time. He’s going to go pro for sure, so let’s get this party started.
As parents, our kids are the best at everything. In our minds.
But for the coaches on your kids’ teams, what’s going through their minds?
Flip the script
I just had the chance to be an assistant coach for my sons’ flag football team. This was my first opportunity to be on the other side of the floor or field. The first time to coach any kids, let alone my own. So, of course I jumped at the chance.
Going in, I was thinking this should be easy. We will teach some basics, run some plays, stress the fundamentals, have some fun and we have good athletes so we should win some games. Easy peasy.
It’s not as simple as it looks.
Parental Perception is NOT Coaching Reality
Let’s face it… all parents think their kid is the next Tom Brady, Mike Trout, Steph Curry, etc. I was the same way, and still am to an extent.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. Parents should think that about their kid. They are the center of a parents’ world, their pride and joy and, for many parents, their reason for being.
Parents should just not expect the coach to see your kid in the same glowing way.
Maybe your 5-year old athlete is the stud of his t-ball team because he can catch the occasional grounder while the other kids are playing with bugs.
Enjoy it, post pictures of it, tell everyone how great he is. Just know that others will close the gap. By the time they hit 8 or 9, your prodigy may no longer be the Mozart of his or her team.
Your coach is basing decisions based on your child’s current abilities, and the needs of the team. Don’t confront the coach for not seeing how good you think your kid is based on how your child played 2 or 3 years ago.
Get the Basics Down First
I like to get out and play ball with my kids. Show them the basics like a correct batting stance, basketball shooting form, how to throw a baseball or football… whatever.
I now realize that those are the wrong basics. Things like catching, throwing, running – those will all come. If you really want to provide your future G.O.A.T. with a solid foundation, start by practicing three important fundamentals.
1) The ability to focus and pay attention
My flag team is 9 to 11 year-olds. They should be able to focus for a one-hour practice, right? One-half of a game should be easy, no? Ok, how about long enough to listen to a play called in the huddle?
Nope, nope, aaaand….nope.
Halfway through a play-call, I look up and the kids are all doing Fortnite dances. Ok, try again. Same thing. One more time. Not happening. I feel like Charlie Brown trying to direct the Christmas play.
2) How to be a good teammate
I would also like to think that at this age, kids would have at least a passing interest in being a good teammate. Or at a minimum the ability to fake it, or simply shut up, for an hour of practice or during a game. They can do that, can’t they?
Nope.
I recently had a referee come to the sidelines and tell me he issued an Unsportsmanlike warning to one of the kids on my team for berating the other kids.
On. His. OWN. Team!
Without going down the nature-vs-nurture rabbit hole here, nothing destroys team chemistry more than a jerk kid.
3) Know Your Left from Right
Finally, one of the most basic, critical, and yet lacking skills is knowing left from right. Surely kids know left from right at 9 years old, right?
Nope.
There’s nothing worse, or more frustrating, than calling a play and having half the kids run the wrong direction. Or telling a kid to go out to left field and then watch him run out to right.
If you want your little Champ to play more, and get more out of it, make sure he has these basics down cold.
We’re Talkin’ About Practice
With apologies to Allen Iverson, practice is important for younger kids. Additionally, all parents and kids are busy these days. Finding even just one hour each week that works for every kid on our team is like solving a massive, life-sized Rubik’s cube.
In a perfect world, practices run smoothly and efficiently. You cover the fundamentals, run drills and maybe get in some scrimmage for fun.
Unfortunately, the world isn’t perfect.
Do you know how hard it is to practice a jet sweep or how to turn a double play when all the kids are watching a dog poop at the other end of the field? Very hard.
The last thing I want to do is spend fifteen minutes of our once a week one-hour practice telling kids to pay attention, stop dancing, leave the bugs alone, stop pulling grass and look coaches in the eye when they are speaking. But, every practice, there we are. It’s Groundhog Day in Hell.
So, parents take note: if your kid flakes off at practice, coaches will focus on the kids that are paying attention.
It happens, and it happens a lot.
Kids that pay attention get coached more, get more out of it and ultimately win more.
Sometimes, the best players are not the best athletes. Give me a team of C-skill and A-attention kids and I’ll beat a team of A-skill level and C-attention level kids 75% of the time.
Volunteer Does Not Mean Open Season
I have a much better appreciation for coaches now, especially parent volunteer coaches.
They (we) aren’t perfect. This is not our day job. We were not trained for this. We can barely get our own kids to listen and do what we ask, let alone a large group of other kids.
Cut the coaches some slack. We’re doing our best here.
In one half-season of flag football, I have been approached by parents about playing time, questioning the plays called for someone’s kid, why they don’t get the ball more, why aren’t we using a kid correctly, why is their kids sitting more than the others and the list goes on.
Let me set the record straight.
No matter what some parents think, parent coaches are not out to screw your kids out of playing time. In reality, parents often don’t understand the substitution or rotation patterns. At this age, we want all the kids to play equally, even if it means playing Lupus at a critical point of the game.
Don’t forget, we are parents too – we like to watch the games. Especially if they are exciting! We might get caught up in the game and lose track of time. Again, not trying to screw your kids out of playing time, we’re just engrossed in the action.
Coaches also aren’t actively avoiding giving the ball to your kid, or purposefully not using your kid the right way. Sometimes they’re just not open, and teammates throw the ball to the open kids. Or sometimes, we dial up a play for your kid, but he didn’t pay attention and runs the wrong play.
Or he was doing a Fortnite dance in the middle of the play.
It happens.
Coaches Can Be Better, Too
It’s also fair to say that I’ve learned how coaches can step up their own game.
Coaches assume parents know more about what’s going on than they actually do.
Coaches should over communicate with parents on many topics to avoid miscommunication, questions, and hurt feelings.
Set expectations for the team at the beginning of the season. If you’re going to emphasize winning over equal playing time, parents should know. Lay out how you want the practices to go so everyone gets the most out of the short time you have together.
Share the position rotations with the parents. Some baseball leagues have rules on how many innings a kid can play one position, which effects the rotation. Some basketball teams may have no tall kids, so your child plays more at center, even though you are grooming him as a point guard. Coaches should let parents know this stuff to avoid confusion and heartache.
Lastly, let the parents know how and why you substitute kids in and out the way you do. When parents watch a game, they are generally focused on their kid. They won’t notice how much other kids sit out, only how much their kid does. A quick email explaining the sub patterns can go a long way.
Parting Shots
Finally, here are some random thoughts. Call them a peek behind the curtain, some insight into the coaches world, a look at the inner workings of your kids’ team.
Coaches want advance notice when kids will not be at a practice or game. It’s tough to hold a practice with only half the team and it’s a waste of everybody’s time. It’s also hard to game plan when a kid doesn’t show up at game time. Do us a solid and give us a heads up, would ya?
Unless it’s a club team, most coaches are volunteers. While you can drop your kids off and go to Starbucks, the coaches are there trying to herd the cats. They aren’t pros, they do it because they want the kids to improve, have fun and maybe learn something. Cut them some slack.
Coaches talk about the team with each other. Your kid is on the team, therefore coaches talk about your kid. You may not like how coaches talk about your kid.
Parents who question or second-guess coaches on the sidelines during a game – you are annoying. You are doing your child a disservice. Stop doing that. If you have questions, wait until after the game or send an email.
Do coaches sometimes select or draft kids based on the moms and/or dads? Yes. Yes, they do.
The draft or team selection process is a lot like a fantasy sports draft. But with harsher language and without the restraint.
I suggest all parents be a coach at least once. You’ll never think about your coach the same way, and it will make you rethink how you act as a parent, too.