Last year was a big year for my family and I.
My father died. My mother-in-law died. I lost my job.
…yet it was the best year of my life.
Not exactly what one would expect to be able to say, given all the bad news my family weathered. But each of these unexpected turns of events offered something positive. A lesson. A new-found clarity. An opportunity.
I quickly decided that I could dwell on the bad, or take the positives and use them to make changes. Changes that would benefit my kids, my family and my career.
A Lesson From My Father
My father and I weren’t close. He was a tough man to like, not the touchy-feely type, and not around much growing up. He had a stroke some years ago which limited his mobility and speech. Over the years this seemed to make him more angry, understandably so. He also became more prone to lashing out at those who made real efforts to help him, including my sister.
We didn’t speak much over the last few years, and my kids never had a chance to get to know him. When he passed away, I realized that even though I didn’t recognize it at the time, he actually taught me an incredibly important lesson: how to be a father to my own kids.
It underscored how important it is to simply be in my kids’ lives and enjoy the things that my father missed. Going to all their sports activities (and there are a lot), driving my kids to school, playing ball, having tea parties, and being patient even when they drive me a little nuts (that last one is still a work in progress).
Cherishing the Time Left
Not naturally grandmotherly in a “June Cleaver” sort of way, my mother-in-law did her best to see our kids as much as she could. She didn’t live close (we’re in LA, she was in Oregon). However, she tried her best to make it down for birthdays, holidays, or when her work schedule allowed.
When she got very ill, my wife took each of our kids, in turn, to see her for a little one-on-one time with Grandma. Towards the very end, my wife, along with her brother, spent almost a month at her mom’s helping her and getting affairs in order. Then, just before she passed, I took our kids up for one last visit.
For the better part of 3 months, we shuttled between LA and Oregon. We made the most of the time we had left and then settled her affairs. This was certainly a very tough time for our family, especially my wife. But it made my wife and I realize that we wanted our kids to have much closer relationships with their remaining grandparents.
In the time since, we’ve hosted a couple grandparent visits, and are planning a Christmas visit to Michigan to see my mom (shhh…she’s doesn’t know). We are still trying to figure this out, and the distances make it tough (Oregon, LA and Michigan). However, after the experience with my mother-in-law we know we want to make this a focal point as our kids get older.
Forced Out of My Comfort Zone
I began last year without a job for the first time since I was 10 and had a paper route. After years of 70+ hour work weeks, getting home after the kids are in bed and missing big chunks of my kids’ early years, I was suddenly Mr. Mom. Instead of dealing with executives, I found myself dealing with 11, 8 and 2 year olds. And loving every minute of it. It made me realize what I had been missing all along.
I was able to do things with my kids that I know most working parents never get a chance to do. I drove carpool (which has its’ own issues), and never missed a practice or a game. I went to dances and recitals and became more active at my kids’ schools. I was able to chaperone a week-long school trip with my daughter’s class to Boston. This is how I want my kids to remember growing up with me – as I father who was always around.
It also forced me to reconsider the direction I wanted my career to go. This was the hardest part of the transition. The family life I now realized I wanted didn’t really fit in with the career that I had developed over the years.
Where it All Leads
Where will this all take me? That I don’t know. What I do know is that these experiences have changed my outlook on my kids, our extended family and what’s really important in life.
I want a better relationship with my kids than I had with my father. I want our kids to be much closer to their grandparents for the time we have left together. Finally, I realize that it’s more important to be home for my kids than to put in the sort of hours that corporate ladder climbing requires.
One thing I do know is that I want to take all the negatives of the past year and turn them into positives for myself and my family.
Luckily, I have a wife that is super supportive and wants the same things for our family.
Time does provide some perspective. Now, looking back, I can honestly say, oddly enough, this was the best year of my life.
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